Thursday, November 30, 2000
Stolen from The Morning News: Donate sandwiches to Kate Moss.
Sunday, February 04, 2001
How wonderfully bitchy. From A. O. Scott's review of "Head Over Heels":
What am I saying? "Head Over Heels," like Mr. Prinze's other movies, exists in a realm beyond sense, and it induces in the viewer a trancelike state, leaving the mind free to ponder the mysteries of the universe. For instance: Why is it that Mr. Prinze appears in so many movies with three-word titles? "Down to You," "She's All That," "Boys and Girls" -- think about it. No, don't. Think about the stock market. Think about Renaissance painting. Think about those noble beluga whales, swimming through the briny deep, blissfully oblivious to the existence of movies like this one. Try to be more like them.
Monday, February 19, 2001
Clinton explains the Marc Rich pardon. My favorite part was the bit at the end, where the NY Times editors added:
William Jefferson Clinton was the 42nd president of the United States.
Saturday, February 24, 2001
dotDoomed.com: Am I Doomed or Not? Found it at memepool.
¶ 97 Posted at 06.25 PM ⇒ No Comments ( linkage | internet | funny )
Monday, March 19, 2001
Slashdot already had it, but I was looking for an excuse to post something. NASA moon astronauts file customs form for moon rocks.
Tuesday, April 03, 2001
Remember the red shirts from Star Trek? Here you go. In comic strip form.
¶ 116 Posted at 10.42 AM ⇒ No Comments ( linkage | geek | funny )
Wednesday, May 02, 2001
Filler: Unstoppable fighting and filing techniques.
¶ 124 Posted at 04.38 PM ⇒ No Comments ( linkage | funny | cool )
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
Do I really look that stupid? Don't answer. I was stupid enough leave the Windows Messaging service running... Still, who would fall for this?
Mircrosoft?
¶ 155 Posted at 10.58 PM ⇒ No Comments ( stupid people | funny )
Friday, December 07, 2001
Feel the pain of unemployment. Hah. He's got nothing on me, waking up at 11am. Try 5:30pm! Hahahahahaha!
I need a job. If only to start being normal again.
¶ 239 Posted at 05.53 PM ⇒ No Comments ( linkage | (un)employment | meme | funny )
United States Secret Service: Know your money. I especially like the quote on page 2:
Design features sometimes vary from one series year to another. The most common variance comes with changes in the identity and, therefore, the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury or the Treasurer of the United States.Emphasis mine.
¶ 240 Posted at 06.10 PM ⇒ No Comments ( funny | fyi )
Friday, January 11, 2002
Developers: the Ballmerfunk music video. See here for the original, in case you somehow managed to miss it.
While I'm stealing links (from fury)... hmmm.... sacrilicious.
¶ 254 Posted at 03.56 AM ⇒ No Comments ( linkage | meme | funny )
The idea of this is just funny: Google Directory - News > Columnists > Humor > Anti-establishment. Well, to me it is. I mean, a web directory of "anti-establishment" columnists? It might be true, but it seems so... suit. The blurbs there look like the web equivalent of the BMG music blurbs:
Stabbing guitar licks layered over a throbbing bass and relentless percussion combine with the lead singer's haunting keen to produce this year's standout heavy metal act...Or some similar silliness. Guitars often crunch, apparently. I wouldn't know, not being in the business. But where was I... oh yeah. Connecting two things that really should be left separate. Just walk away, man, walk away.
I now own hotforjesus.com. There's really no point to it. I just liked how it sounds, and domains for $12 make the impulse buy... well, it was an impulse buy. Still, it sounds pretty cool. Just add musical talent and three like friends and I could have a band. I mean, the name's the hardest part...
¶ 267 Posted at 12.27 PM ⇒ No Comments ( geek | funny | me )
Tuesday, March 05, 2002
You're kidding, right? According to NY Times article, Radical New Views of Islam and the Origins of the Koran, 'the virgins who are supposedly awaiting good Islamic martyrs as their reward in paradise are in reality "white raisins" of crystal clarity rather than fair maidens.'
¶ 305 Posted at 06.48 PM ⇒ No Comments ( linkage | funny | whoa )
Monday, April 01, 2002
So I'm too unimaginative and lazy to do an April Fool's joke. It doesn't really matter, as you probably need a readership for it to be effective. Some attempts (none on the level of the Tool Australian bus crash of t.d.n some years back.
Google's is too funny:
Google exceeds all international standards for the ethical treatment of its pigeon personnel. Not only are they given free range of the coop and its window ledges, special break rooms have been set up for their convenience. These rooms are stocked with an assortment of delectable seeds and grains and feature the finest in European statuary for roosting.
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
This clip (Quicktime) is sooooo awesome.
This is my sole creative act this year other than choosing the color of my minivan.Probably not work safe. Thanks mute.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Net Wiggaz (here): These young men have not only managed to get online, but to harness the capabilities of the webcam. With the newfound advantages of technology, wiggers are able to represent from the luxury of their own home, thereby avoiding the dangers of run in with the police or breaking curfew.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Tom forgot to detail the owner's phone conversation when we were at Rounder's pizza yesterday. Apparently it was someone ordering a pizza. The half that we heard went kinda like this: "It'll be ready in 15 to 20 minutes. [listens]. No, you dialed the wrong number. This is Rounder's, not Domino's. You have to come here and pick it up. [listens]. Then you should call Domino's instead. [listens]. Ok, I'll see you in about 20 minutes." It was more entertaining than that, but my memory is poor and the guy's tone does not translate well to text. He was not 10 feet away from us during the conversation, which made it even funnier since he clearly didn't care how he sounded in front of customers.
Monday, May 12, 2003
I've started passing the time at graduations by looking through the programs for people with funny names (there's some irony for you). At my sister's MBA graduation from Texas A&M University on Friday, I struck gold. Unfortunately, I don't have the program handy, so I can only name the two I remember. Luckily, they were the best two. LaKenya Flatreese Williams. Neven-Stjepan Fuckar. Ah, those poor people. Neven didn't even show up to the graduation. Personally, I don't blame him. Fuckar.
Monday, June 07, 2004
That's almost as horribly catchy as The Fantanas that you see before movies these days.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Some guy compiled clueless Amazon reviews. They're funny (although I guess I missed the point of "The French Connection" as well). Read them.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Democrat: Walking along a beach he sees a man drowning 20 yards off shore. A Democrat takes a 20 yard rope from someone who isn't drowning, throws it to the drowning man, and walk away to do another good deed.
Republican: Walking along the same shore, throws the man a 10 yard rope and holds the end. Expects the man to do some of the work himself.
Libertarian: Same shore. No rope. Dives in to help. Drowns both of them.
Green: Walking along a beach he sees a man drowning 20 yards off shore, so he immediately drops whatever he was doing to protest the ocean.
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
A recession is when someone you know is out of work. A depression is when you
are out of work. And a recovery is when George W. Bush is out of work. Credit
to this Slashdot comment. Oh, wait, I see that's an update of a Ronald
Reagan quote. I think it's more true now than then, though, and turnabout's
fair play.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
The NY Times/Edmunds refers to Snoop Doggy Dogg as "Mr. Dogg" in this review of the Cadillac Escalade. The street tone of the article is pretty funny as well.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
I was astonished to learn that Jessica had never read the best college admission essay ever. It's an oldie but a goodie. It's one of those things that fills me with awe and admiration for the author's creativity, humor, and sheer audacity. Even now, years after I first read it, I'm just so impressed. He really did send it in as part of his application. Apparently the author, Hugh Gallagher, has gone on to become a writer, with at least one book to his name.
Monday, November 29, 2004
There are a couple of nerdy jokes that I like and find particularly illustrative:
A dairy farmer and a physicist were neighbors. Knowing his neighbor to be a smart fellow, the farmer consulted him on a milk production problem he was having. After weeks of research, the physicist rushed over to the farmer's house with sheets covered with complicated equations and began, "Assume a spherical cow..."I've started using that phrase now to preface any abstract discussion of a real-world problem when I want to discuss the essence of the problem without being too distracted by details, to acknowledge that any solution thus derived is suspect until those details are worked out.
An economist, a physicist, and a mathematician were travelling north from England in a train. Upon crossing the border into Scotland, they saw an animal out in the field. The economist exclaimed, "Aha! They have black sheep on Scotland." The physicist demurred, "Not quite. They have one black sheep in Scotland." The mathematician then chimed in, "Oh no. They have one sheep in Scotland, of which at least one side is black."I've started using that phrase when I sense that someone (like me) is making an assumption unwarranted by the data. Both phrases are a handy shorthand, at least assuming the other party has heard the jokes.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Actually, what it really should be is:
find . -name '*base*' -user you -exec chgrp us \{\} \;I won't mention the person helped with that. It's one thing to out myself as a big dork, it's another to reveal someone else.
Jokes are like software. There's research, development, design, testing, release, and, like this post, bug fixes and maintenance.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Someone thought to submit an article to Wikipedia about the heavy metal umlaut. I especially like:
The heavy metal band Tröjan used umlauts in their name on the 1985 release "Chasing the Storm." For Swedes the tour T-shirts from this time are particularly amusing, as "Tröjan" in Swedish translates as "the shirt."
Thursday, May 05, 2005
It sounds like a joke, but it doesn't seem to be: the NY Times claims that ugly children get treated worse than pretty ones. Luckily, Uma will have no such problems.
Friday, May 13, 2005
If you haven't been reading Darth Vader's weblog, you really should. It's fantastic. Start at the beginning.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Are you familiar with Go Fug Yourself's deliciously trashy celebrity fashion commentary? I especially like their treatment of J. Lo. Apparently, there are lots of d-list starlets in Hollywood who show up to events wearing crap.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
I got a kick out of this article. Apparently, there are multiple regional and national theft rings that specialize in medicines, personal care products, and baby formula, as those items have a high cost/size ratio, and are thus it is highly profitable to steal them. The government has found links between some of these groups and Middle East nations, though not all the way to terrorist organizations 1 . Breast feed! For America!
1
Although they make highly suggestive associations like how the FBI has traced money from these rings to "nations where terrorist groups, such as Hamas and Hizbullah, are active." They really want to assert the connection.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
This is almost certainly a stunt, but a developer wants to demolish David Souter's house to build a hotel. Reminds me of when reporters in Portland looked through the police chief's trash after the police searched the trash of an officer under investigation without a warrant.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Uma's been sleeping through the night lately, while I've been waking up and staring at the ceiling.
¶ 1162 Posted at 10.11 AM ⇒ No Comments ( me | funny )
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Some web site has a list of the 50 most loathsome people of 2005.
¶ 1211 Posted at 05.49 PM ⇒ No Comments ( politics | news | funny )
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
What happens when you and 3 friends drive at exactly the speed limit on an Atlanta highway? Watch.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Many musicians reject licensing their songs to advertise Hummers. Those commercials will be silent, I guess, assuming they get the rights.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
IMDB's Studio Brief has this hilarious quote about the "X-Men: The Last Stand" box office receipts:
Final figures ... indicated that ... "X-Men: The Last Stand" smashed the ... record even harder than originally estimated.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
It's been a while since I've pimped Sinfest, which is totally the awesomest web comic out there. I mean, Scary Go Round is good, and so is Schlock Mercenary, but Sinfest has it all, as this best of Sinfest thread on their message boards illustrated. I especially liked the Come Back sequence. Also, Hobbes? and Forrest Pimp. Read the thread for the highlights, but you should really read them all because they are awesome. Start with the first one (which renders tiny for me for some reason. If it happens to you, view the image directly).
Monday, July 31, 2006
Soothing Uma to sleep gets a lot harder when she insists on dancing to her lullaby.
¶ 1340 Posted at 07.46 PM ⇒ No Comments ( us | funny )
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I don't watch "The Daily Show" regularly anymore, but I did catch the episode with Aasif Mandvi responding to the "opportunity" in the Middle East right now. Check it out. I'm amazed that he could keep a straight face the whole way through. Watch it all the way through; the September 11th zinger is a killer.
¶ 1351 Posted at 02.59 PM ⇒ No Comments ( issues | iraq | funny )
Monday, September 11, 2006
Remember how John Ashcroft trumpeted the capture of "dirty bomber" Jose Padilla? The NY Times article on the development of the US torture policy and secret prisons includes this priceless information from Abu Zubaydah, an Al Qaeda member captured late in 2001:
But Mr. Zubaydah dismissed Mr. Padilla as a maladroit extremist whose hope to construct a dirty bomb, using conventional explosives to disperse radioactive materials, was far-fetched. He told his questioners that Mr. Padilla was ignorant on the subject of nuclear physics and believed he could separate plutonium from nuclear material by rapidly swinging over his head a bucket filled with fissionable material.(emphasis mine)
¶ 1365 Posted at 09.16 AM ⇒ No Comments ( funny | terrorism )
Thursday, October 12, 2006
New Cuyama, California, would like you to know certain facts about their town, especially the total.
¶ 1382 Posted at 03.14 PM ⇒ No Comments ( fyi | funny )
I came upon this a long, long time ago, and just recently rediscovered it. If you haven't read it before, read it now: things my girlfriend and I have argued about.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Did they charge at the sound of alpenhorns? Schuss at the enemy with chilling battle yodels, perhaps? I am not making this up.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Max Barry has a daughter about the same age as Uma, but he's funnier than I am.
¶ 1412 Posted at 09.27 PM ⇒ No Comments ( funny | us )
Among the 88 Precepts of neo-Nazi white nationalist David Lane you will find number 11: "Truth requires little explanation. Therefore, beware of verbose doctrines. The great principles are revealed in brevity." 88 precepts, mind you.
¶ 1421 Posted at 02.48 PM ⇒ No Comments ( funny | stupid people )
Friday, April 13, 2007
Jothan sent me Google Maps' directions for travelling from NYC to London. Note step 23.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
While getting lost in Wikipedia, I came across this article on Australian criminal Mark Read. Note the sidebar: "Part of the series on Australian criminals." There is no corresponding series on American criminals.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Check out this picture of Serena Williams with Justine Henin after their match at the French Open. Her biceps are huge! She still lost, though.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The Alamo Drafthouse, a local theater chain, sponsored a contest to come up with unnecessary sequels. I haven't seen any of the trailers, but just the posters are good. My favorites are the ones for "Se7en," "Cast Away" (either one; they're basically the same), "Street Fighter," one of the "Apollo 13" ones, and the sequel to "A Clockword Orange." The one for "United 93" is obvious, but it required big ones. Too bad there's no poster yet.
Monday, June 11, 2007
A trip into Wikipedia brought me to the brown recluse spider, considered one most dangerous due to the potency of its venom. In discussing a number of bite treatments, the article noted, "None of these treatments have been subjected to controlled, randomized trials to conclusively show benefit." Indeed. I imagine it would be hard to find volunteers.
¶ 1476 Posted at 03.30 PM ⇒ No Comments ( science! | funny )
Friday, July 13, 2007
I don't think this is the intended manner of use for shipping containers.
¶ 1509 Posted at 05.19 PM ⇒ No Comments ( funny | pictures )
Monday, July 23, 2007
F Minus has very quickly become my favorite newspaper comic. Its stupidity is genius.
How can you effectively respond?
¶ 1517 Posted at 03.41 PM ⇒ No Comments ( issues | terrorism | funny )
Thursday, August 02, 2007
I think "Conversations With My Agent" by Rob Long is the only book I read recently that I forgot in my recent roundup. Rob Long was a TV writer who somehow graduated in just two years to being showrunner of "Cheers" in its final seasons. Long writes a light, funny account of being trapped in "development hell" after the hit show ended 1 . It's a light book, even with some gratuitous padding, but you don't mind because Long is funny and makes you feel like you're there. If you've got a few hours to kill feeling cynical about Hollywood, pick it up.
1
Sadly, it looks by his resume that he's still stuck there, even though this book was published in 1996. According to his own site, he writes occasionally for magazines and newspapers, and has a weekly commentary on LA public radio.
Friday, August 10, 2007
#3, the frequent stops in #8, and #11 are the only ones that got us. It's not that bad. Yet?
¶ 1539 Posted at 12.23 PM ⇒ No Comments ( funny | parenting )
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
This here article about a prosthetic arm is ho-hum except for this choice quote: "Goldfarb denies he is creating a superman for the military." My life will not be complete until I get to deny something like that: "When reached for comment, Gangatirkar denied he was breeding an army of ninja meerkat bodyguards."
¶ 1549 Posted at 02.08 PM ⇒ No Comments ( funny | science! )
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Big Faceless Organization produces software for businesses. That's their real name. I did a little bit of research to make sure it wasn't a joke; it seems like a real thing.
¶ 1552 Posted at 04.11 PM ⇒ No Comments ( names | cool | funny )
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Bear Cavalry. Not sure where the original comes from.
If I had a personal status on this weblog, I guess it would be "catching you up on stupid Internet memes."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
A guy proposed to his girlfriend at a Yankees game. It was a total surprise to her. And to him. Phew. That was excellent.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Makes sense. Bonus comic: yup, that's what happened. Bonus bonus: this really works. Anyone for a bonus bonus bonus? Hey! That's where I live! And.... oh... right.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
My CAPTCHA from Craig's List this evening:
Right back at you, pal.
¶ 1678 Posted at 09.25 PM ⇒ No Comments ( me | funny )
Friday, February 15, 2008
The premise: two artists battle back and forth, each concocting a super-hero that trumps the others. So far they've come up with 134 funny, clever, silly, and occasionally lame super-heroes in their battle. Who is the superest hero of them all? Nobody knows yet. But we know the least super (the Superlest?). Start there.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wikipedia has a category called Television articles that need to differentiate between fact and fiction.
¶ 1685 Posted at 09.53 PM ⇒ No Comments ( funny | tv )
Friday, April 04, 2008
I've been seeing sale ads for telephone poles and shipping containers pop up on the Austin Craig's List. Not just one, either; one guy posted today that he had 17 telephone poles. Maybe I can use those to build a bird blind... I'm not sure I could find a use for 20' or 40' shipping containers. As much as I liked reading a book about them, I don't exactly have the space. Still, it might make someone an inexpensive, large shed or something. Ugly, too.
One classic joke on "The Simpsons" was in the episode "Much Apu About Nothing," where Apu reminisces about coming to the United States and attending the fine Springfield Heights Institute of Technology. If the joke isn't obvious, think about what we call the Massachussetts Institute of Technology. It was a completely optional joke; if you got it, you laughed, but if you didn't get it, you didn't even know it was there.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
It's way past topical, but I never got around to posting about it... I can't believe this show got cancelled. I heard his Ackman is HUGE.
It's not easy to find the whole episode, sadly, because that clip just leaves me hungry for more.
¶ 1714 Posted at 08.27 AM ⇒ No Comments ( tv | funny )
Friday, April 11, 2008
The manual for our pressure cooker is printed on ordinary paper. Each page is half of a letter-sized sheet, and the manual consists of a number of those sheets stapled together and folded. The PDF version is laid out the same way, which means that page 5 of the PDF is divided into page 5 and page 24. Even better, page 5 is on the right and page 24 is on the left. Page 6 of the PDF is divided into page 6 on the left and page 23 on the right. Then page 7 of the PDF is page 7 on the right again and page 22 on the left. I imagine reading the manual straight through would look something like the giant slalom, assuming that halfway through the event, the hill tipped over 90 degrees and you finished back at the top.
¶ 1725 Posted at 10.30 AM ⇒ No Comments ( funny | stupid people )
I scan the software jobs on Craig's List1 from time to time. I came across an unintentionally funny ad yesterday. Since it may disappear at any time, I got this screenshot:
Too bad there's no information about the recruiter or the client.
1 Not that I'm looking; I feel like giving Bank of America a big, big hug for this paternity leave.
¶ 1726 Posted at 10.57 AM ⇒ No Comments ( stupid people | funny )
Friday, April 18, 2008
I stupidly forgot to save the amusing CAPTCHA images Blogger generated for me.
mbroke: Awww, Google. I knew things were hard, but I didn't realize they were that bad.
afamiqk: These Internet abbreviations are getting out of hand. "Away From A Muskrat-Invaded Quadrilateral Keyboard?"
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Science fiction author Charles Stross has a new book coming out. His blog post talks about how little control authors have over the covers and titles of their books. That's a lot of words. I say skip to the punch line. The cover of the UK edition:
I'd probably be mad about that, too. Of course, since I'm not the author, it's funny.